Tom Chaplin Has Quit Keane ...No, That's Not Right

SPARE A THOUGHT FOR TRIGGS

When she wasn't dragging needily on industrial-strength hits of Cylindrical Cancer Inducer, Granny Fiver taught us one important lesson: never meet your heroes. The restraining order saw to that, but what might be even worse is seeing your heroes fail: that manic plonker Timmy Mallett on I'm A Celebrity, Ian Beale being torn a new one by the credit crunch, Tony Adams every time he opens his mouth. And today came the news that Roy Keane has quit Sunderland. Still, if it was bad news for us, then spare a thought for Keane's dog Triggs: if there's an ounce of flab on that little mutt, it'll be obliterated by the exercise regime Keane has in store for her over the next few weeks.

Like most managers Keane had gone grey, albeit on his beard, but his six-stage plan (promotion, survival, mid-table, Euro Vase, Big Cup, Global Big Cup) was still progressing well enough: Sunderland are only four points off the top half. "I would like to thank my staff, players, [Mother Niall] Quinn and in particular the fans, for their support during my time at Sunderland," said Keane, as Triggs solemnly eased a paw on to the treadmill in preparation. "I would like to wish the club every success in the future."

Most amateur psychologists who can't actually work out what's going on in the head of Max from EastEnders, never mind this most beautiful of minds, suspect it was to do with the strain caused by his almost unattainably stratospheric standards. One of them was his former chairman, Mother Niall of Calcutta. "He brought standards to this club which are amazing. But to do that, it's intense," she said, inviting the Fiver on to the sofa before telling us what we really wanted to do to Mummy Fiver. "I tried for two years to keep as much pressure off him as possible, but I guess it came to the point where Roy thought he had reached the end of that journey." Indeed he has, but you get the feeling that, for poor Labrador, a truly epic series of twice-daily journeys has only just begun.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

"They kept chanting disgusting words, racist words about Islam and unfortunately this is the second time that the same fans have done this" - Mido remains unaware that it's not actually his race or religion that Newcastle fans are mocking, but his uncanny physical resemblance to shoe-bomber Richard Reid.

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THE RUMOUR MILL

Lord Ferg has a lot of water that he wants someone to carry, and Lassana Diarra is the man for the job.

Aston Villa director Woody Allen will sign Mr Em for £3m, followed closely by Matt Elliott, Steve Guppy, Muzzy Izzet, Steve Walsh and Elsie the tea lady, who made a great brew at Leicester in the 90s.

The Lee Bowyer Charm School will relocate to Bongo FC in January.

And Gianfranco Zola has scrawled £18m on a tag and placed it on the head of Dean Ashton.

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NEWS IN BRIEF

Wigan manager Bernard Cribbins has joined the Fiver in lamenting Roy Keane's departure from Sunderland. "Football is a better place when Roy is in it," he declared. Unlike Alfie Haaland's knee, which is a better place when Roy isn't in it.

Just when he thought today couldn't get any better, Wolves and former Republic of Ireland boss Mick O'McCarthy was handed the Fizzy Pop Championship Manager of the Month for November to stick up on his mantelpiece, or indeed his bollix. MK Dons gaffer Roberto Di Matteo and Wycombe manager Peter Taylor bagged the League One and Two gongs respectively.

An expensive bit of hospital kit that some nurses pointed at Louis Saha's thigh this morning made a whirring noise, clunked a bit and spat out a piece of paper that reads: "this hamstring will be taut enough for a run-out on December 13."

Hull forward Craig Fagan has forgiven Newcastle midfielder Danny Guthrie for the vicious tackle that broke his leg earlier this season. "Obviously I'm not going to be his best mate over it, but I've forgiven him and I just want to get back now," he said, suggesting he won't be turning the other cheek/leg.

England's Brave John Terry, "a man for the big games" and "he's shown that" (in a friendly against Uncle Walt's Disney Soccer Star XI), has gone all apache elder and announced that Mikel John Obi has joined him in the ranks of the testosterone-charged. "I made a speech before a game at Middlesbrough in the dressing room, and after I had finished, [England's Brave] John Terry said 'now you are a man'," beamed Mikel proudly, doing little to discourage notions that his preposterous skipper has completely lost the run of himself.

Dutch striker Klaas-Jan Huntelaar has completed his [Fiver does quick tot on credit crunch-busting currency converter] £17,304,650.52 move to Real Madrid from Ajax.

Valencia have agreed to release out-of-favour goalkeeper Timo Hildebrand. While that sounds like they had him blindfolded and chained to a radiator, it's really not that sinister a story.

And Takis Lemonis has made the reign of Keano at Sunderland seem like an eternity by quitting as coach of Greek Super League side Panionios after just 21 days in charge.

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STILL WANT MORE?

Quite how none of these made the Turner Prize shortlist we'll never know; it's Amr Zaki as a Bond henchman, no end of hieroglyphics and the Scorpion King in this week's Gallery.

A Gerrar ... sorry, German Shepherd v Fernando Torres, water-skiing in Venice and out-Hakaing the Haka are among the many visual delights that can be seen in the latest thrilling instalment of Classic YouTube.

Why the diddly did Roy Keane leave Sunderland? Why-diddley-eye-diddly-eye-diddly-eye-diddly-eye? Here with some bangin' theories, it's ya boy, Paul Doyle.

An Englishman, an Irishman, a German and an Englishwoman walk into a bar ... well, not so much a bar as a small room with bits of foam masquerading as sound-proofing Sellotaped to the walls. What happened next? Find out in Football Weekly Extra.

Today Fiver lackey Scott Murray's been getting publicity for his book, Day of the Match by standing in Covent Garden waving a copy in front of a placard with an arrow in it being held by a tramp. If you'd like to win a copy, click here.

And in tomorrow's [Fiver does quick tot on credit crunch-busting currency converter] 58.6542 Indian rupees Big Paper: the week's big beats and cinema releases critiqued in Film & Music; more Keano fallout than you can swing a Labrador at; and the weekend's wind, rain and biting cold previewed in Weather Watch.

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FIVER LETTERS

"Re: yesterday's Michael Shields Fiver. If you're trying to make a serious point, why make such puerile facetious remarks in it? Perhaps the Fiver is not the place to make serious points at all" - R Butler (and 1,056 others).

"Seeing as that bloke sent a tape to police claiming to be the Yorkshire Ripper all those years ago, I fully expect to see a 'Free Sutcliffe Now' mosaic at the next Liverpool game, providing the backdrop for an impassioned plea from Ricky Tomlinson, who also has a comedy beard" - Philip Taylor.

"Don't be surprised if Ailsa Stewart tries to sign Al Ali Habsi for Man City and then releases him to play for his national side in January. He's partial to a bit of Oman away" - David Wilding.

"Re: $tevie Mbe and the Azizi brand (yesterday's quote of the day). I thought Fiver had said 'Dubai' to all those dreadful Middle Eastern puns" - Roberto Davage.

"First, we have more than a week of excruciating Eygpt puns, now Peter Sadler (yesterday's Fiver letters) has seized upon an innocuous reference to Iran and almost certainly set off another unfunny thread. At this point, the Fiver letters page has become nothing more than a farsi" - James Peebles.

"Considering the state of his beard, if Roy Keane goes missing due to his current fragile state of mind, will it be reported to the Missing Persians Bureau?" - Fred Toon.

All of this talk of the 'pre-football renaissance' forward with a GTFABM (yesterday's Fiver letters) made me recall just how much I miss this. Any chance of a Xmas special for old times sake? Or is he dead /drunk/ otherwise unobtainable?" - Lee. [We don't know where he is. More's the pity - Fiver Ed.]

"I think that Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (yesterday's Fiver) is a belter, however to describe the entire series as blisteringly funny is generous to the final three instalments. These later episodes no longer feature the hilarious Mahoney, and are missing a central character. I liken this to the demise of Neighbours following the death of Jim Robinson from a heart attack" - Timothy Buchanan.

"Could you please ask Mike Anning (yesterday's Fiver letters) where exactly Cardiff and Swansea are located on the map of England?" - Phil Hawkins (and 1,056 other shackle-draggers).

"Could I point out to Mike Anning that Wellington Phoenix is located in Australian state of New Zealand, just to the east of Hobart" - Ben Merlin.

Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk.

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'YOUR CHEESE GAME IS STRONG'
'MY CHEESE GAME. IT'S ALL ABOUT THE CHEESE PLATTER'