guardian.co.uk

Never mind Soccer AM, presented by Hells Bells and whatever random male idiot happens to be sitting beside her on any given Saturday, the Fiver is currently developing a terrible TV show of its own. Featuring a panel of moody, irritable and aggressive women experiencing bre@st tenderness and lower abdominal pain discussing the footballing issues of the day, it will glory in the title, Soccer PM.

Honk!

We might get Alexander Hleb to host it. After all the knacked Belarus skipper has nothing better to do at the moment and his ability to moan about small things that don't affect him in any way make him the ideal candidate. If you don't believe us, look at what he had to say about conditions in the England camp, of which he is not and never will be a part. "It seems that in the English team there's some kind of communism going on with all his banning this and banning that," he said of Fabio Capello's policy of mobile phone and video game prohibition in the build-up to internationals. "For example, he says their breakfast is not from eight till nine but strictly at 8.15! It's all nonsense."

Nonsense it may be, but if Fabio's authoritarian regime stops just one England player from exhausting himself by texting ladies detailed descriptions of how exactly he'd like his Sword of a Thousand Truths polished, then the Fiver says ban on.

On the subject of pathetic fantasy games that help pass the time, one England player who definitely won't be donning his Frostwolf Battle Tabard and going in to combat against Kazakhstan tomorrow is England's Brave John Terry, who has succumbed to back-knack and will not feature. "We have plenty of players, we have the substitutes, I am sure the substitute of John Terry will play well," said Capello, handing Rio Ferdinand the captain's armband, but refusing to let hacks or Johnny Kazakh know whether it's Joleon Lescott, Matthew Upson or Wes Brown who won't be allowed to text their nearest and dearest the good news.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

"If the aftershave gets you girls like [$tevie Mbe's] Alex Curran, I'll be buying a bottle" - Liverpool fan Robert Clancy at the launch of the club's own brand of aftershave, a blend of lamb, carrots, onions and potatoes. It has top notes of sandalwood and spume from the River Mersey.

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Guardian Fantasy Football

Go on, play it.

Guardian Pick the Score

Go on, pick it.

Guardian Soulmates

Go on, trawl it. (Let's face it, if you clicked either of the links above, you obviously need a girlfriend.)

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COMPREHENSIVE WORLD CUP NOT-ENGLAND ROUND-UP, FEATURING SCOTLAND, NORWAY AND ICELAND (BUT NOT WALES, NORTHERN IRELAND OR THE REPUBLIC OF IRELAND)

The Fiver trooped into Fiver Towers this morning full of zest as usual. We sat down at our desk, made ourselves a strong cup of Brazil Drink, booted up the computer, had a shufty at some h@rdcore bongo, then, when The Man arrived, clicked over to the front page of Big Paper's 24/7/365 Internet Site to at least give the impression that we were getting up to speed with all the latest news.

At which point our spirits fell faster than a Bank of Scotland executive from an office window. JIGGERED OLD ECONOMY F****D, screamed the Big Paper headline. Wah! With immediate effect, the ever-deepening global recession sent us spiralling into the bluest of funks, one not even a downpage link to this gallery of £145 wallets could get us out of. Oh recession, how could you!

Still, at least we have secure jobs, for the next few days at least, unlike Scotland boss George Burley, who needs a win tomorrow at Hampden against Norway if he doesn't want to go the way of Iceland (ie pursued by annoyed clenched-fist-waving Scotsmen shouting "this is totally unacceptable"). "Anything less than a win against Norway and our chances of qualification are doubtful," said Gordon Smith, SFA suit and annoyed clenched-fist-waving Scotsman.

"There's a big psychological factor at stake in this game," continued Smith. "The next match we have is against Holland, and that's five months away. A win on Saturday is crucial under those circumstances!" That's easier said than done, seeing the threat of the in-form-again-at-long-last John Carew will be met with David Weir, who will be celebrating his 147th birthday after the match with old team-mates from Everton, Hearts and Third Lanark. With this in mind, Smith relented a bit. "But it would be wrong to judge George on the strength of one match at the weekend. His position as national team manager is not under any threat at all." Having received the vote of no confidence, Burley may well be wishing he'd taken up a career in short selling instead.

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THE RUMOUR MILL

With Joe Kinnear in his old job, Sam Allardyce may return the compliment by joining Nottingham Forest. That's the nearest the words "Kinnear" and "compliment" have been to each other for a good five or six years, incidentally.

Portsmouth are set to land midfielder Tawrick Jibril from Hearts of Oak, before, if Arry Redknapp's previous transfer activities are any sort of precedent, selling him on for a vastly increased/reduced rate three months later.

And Arsenal want to buy Yaya Touré from Barcelona, but his agent wants him to go to Juventus, so that's that.

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NEWS IN BRIEF

Chelsea are trying to reclaim the £16m they paid for Obi Wan Kenobi, of which £15,999,999.99 went to Manchester United, following the criminal conviction in Norway of Lyn's former chief executive officer Morgen Andersen. The Fiver doesn't actually care what happens, sick to the back teeth as we are of stories about finance, so we're not going to explain it.

Oh alright, it's because we don't really understand it. Who do you think we are, Proper Journalist David Conn?

Middlesbrough defender Robert Huth is to see a specialist on Monday over problems with his ankle. Ten quid the specialist prods it with his pen while saying: "Hmm, mmm, mmm, yes, mmm, hmm, yes, well, the problem with this ankle, Mr Huth, is that it is attached to a big lumbering galoot."

According to Roberto Mancini's lawyers, their client reckons he's being driven out of Milan after being "forced to suffer the direct comparison with the new management" at Inter. In other words, Jose Mourinho. "This unsustainable situation has created the urgent need for Mr Mancini to move from Milan to a destination yet to be established." Mancini has also been spotted being chased along a beach by big white balls, and he is not a number, he is a free man. Perhaps he should move to Portmerion.

Mexican authorities have detained seven members of a third-division football team for alleged ties to drug traffickers. The Mapaches de Nueva Italia Raccoons members were detained in Mexico City on Wednesday at the Aguilas del America training facility after a match against a local team.

Here's the Republic O'Ireland squad for the upcoming Cyprus game named by G O'Vanni and his sidekick Trap O'Toni: Shay Given (Newcastle United), Dean Kiely (West Brom), Joe Murphy (Firewall FC), Alex Bruce (Ipswich Town), Damien Delaney (QPR), Richard Dunne (Manchester City) , Kevin Kilbane (Wigan Athletic), Joey O'Brien (Bolton Wanderers), John O'Shea (Manchester United), Paul McShane (Sunderland), Stephen Hunt (Reading), Aiden McGeady (Queen's Celtic), Damien Duff (Newcastle United), Liam Miller (Sunderland), Andy Reid (Sunderland), Theme Pub O'Fiver (Fiver Towers), Glenn Whelan (Stoke City), Kevin Doyle (Reading), Robbie Keane (Liverpool), Andy Keogh (Wolves), Shane Long (Reading), Daryl Murphy (Sunderland), Caleb Folan (Kings of Leon), Kevin Foley (Wolverhampton Wanderers), Anthony Stokes (Sunderland), Keith Andrews (Blackeye Rovers), Darron Gibson (Manchester United).

And the Fiver's best wishes go to one-time bricklayer and former Bongo FC, West Brom and Fulham striker Geoff Horsfield, who has been forced to hang up his boots after discovering he is suffering from testicular cancer. "I was diagnosed last Friday and I'm going in for surgery next Thursday," the 34-year-old revealed.

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STILL WANT MORE?

Harry Pearson takes a gander down the cheese aisle in Tesco and is inspired to wax like a Gouda about Newcastle United.

Here's Ewan Murray on the role Chris Iwelumo is likely to play for Scotland against Norway this weekend, a piece you may find slightly more considered than the Fiver's childish pap on the same match.

Firewall FC's streak of success shows no signs of slowing, hisssssses John "I'm Comin' Up So You'd Better Get This Party Started" Ashdown.

You Are The Ref, yeah?

Football is in crisis! And Matt Scott couldn't be less pleased if you locked him in a room with only Joe Kinnear for company.

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FIVER LETTERS

"Seeing as the legal disclaimer in yesterday's Fiver only stated that you don't really think Tony Jimenez cleans the bogs at Newcastle United but omitted everything else from the first paragraph of the story, are we to assume that he actually does live in a cupboard, smells of Dettol and is a sweeping enthusiast?" - Rashid Khan.

"If you think reversing a tractor in a straight line isn't as easy as it looks (yesterday's last line), try putting a double silage trailer behind that tractor - then you'll see what difficulty is" - Ken Anderson.

"Re: the ongoing 'Awooga!' debate (Fivers passim). Although I don't actually care who said it first, here's proof from the horse's mouth that the early 90s TV presenter catchphrase of choice wasn't coined by Kriss Akabusi. His was the far less imaginative 'Aaaalriiight' while pummeling the air with one hand" - Kris Boyes.

"Re: Charles Day's letter about 80s cartoon legend Rock Steady Eddie and the ongoing 'Awooga!' debate (yesterday's Fiver letters). Rock Steady Eddie's catchphrase was actually 'Arooga', so if Charles was friends with a young Jonathon Ross I think he's cracked it" - Paul Galloway.

"It seems the exact origin of 'awooga' is more confused than Titus Bramble's defending. I remember first hearing it as the war-cry of one of the characters (Bruiser, a Betelgeusian Berserker Baboon) in mid-80s comic/early-90s cartoon Bucky O'Hare" - Michael Hall.

"Thanks to whoever brought up Red Dwarf in the letters section (Wednesday's Fiver). Clearly what this tea-time football email has been crying out for is the addition of ubernerds to pontificate over which one of the wacky characters said a crazy word on a pretend spaceship" - Anna Greenwood.

"I access the Fiver through the net (pesky work email filters). Yesterday I saw the Red Dwarf picture and thought: 'Today, more than ever, it's just not worth it'" - Mark Griffin.

"Having learned of the pickle that West Ham's owner finds himself in on the news and thinking back to their shenanigans last season, it got me wondering: is this karma at work or are Sheffield United far more powerful than we ever knew?" - Steve Swain.

"Re: England fans shouting abuse at the Welsh, the Italians and the Turks (Dion Di Miceli, yesterday's Fiver letters). As long as football's governing bodies have a better grasp of the difference between r@cism and xenophobia, England should be OK" - Tom Hausley.

Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk.

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